This week, the Onion News Network investigates a dangerous new
trend sweeping across high school campuses nationwide: "Isotoping." If
you are a parent, look for these warning signs your teen has been
Changes In Friend Groups: Has your teen begun hanging
out with physicists or the leaders of Middle Eastern nations recently?
Sudden Shift In Mood Or Energy Level: If your teen is
exhibitting a loss of energy, depression, or frequent vomitting, these
could be signs he or she is suffering radiation poisoning as a result
of frequent exposure to highly enriched uranium.
Frequent Requests To Borrow Money: If your teen asks you
for $10 or 15 million, ask him what he needs it for. If he won't tell
you or if it seems like he is being dishonest about why he needs it, it
could be a sign of trouble.
Strange Phone Calls Or Unusual Visits: If a teen is
’toping, you may notice the United Nations calling your house at odd
hours of the night or international weapons inspectors dropping by
Change In Clothing Choices: If you notice your child
wearing full-body hazardous material suits, ask him or her about it. Is
it just a fashion statement... or something more?
Falling Grades: If your teen isn’t finishing her homework,
it may be because she has been spending hundreds of hours in an
underground laboratory separating isotopes and travelling the world to
take meetings with terrorists or separatist militias.
Nuclear-Enrichment Paraphernalia In Bedroom: No parent
wants to be a snoop, but if you happen to notice centrifuges, molecular
lasers, chalkboards filled with complex physics equations or a tunnel
leading from your teen's room to an underground facility, it could
indicate your teen is involved in things he shouldn’t be.